The Dead Milkmen Chaos Rules - Live at the Trocadero Ignore the tracklisting on the CD. It's wrong. 1. Tiny Town 2. I Walk The Thinnest Line 3. Smokin' Banana Peels 4. Surfin' Cow 5. Bitchin' Camaro 6. Where The Tarantula Lives 7. Nutrition 8. Big Lizard 9. The Thing That Only Eats Hippies 10. I Hate You, I Love You 11. Lucky 12. V.F.W. 13. Punk Rock Girl 14. Stuart 15. Right Wing Pigeons 16. Rastabilly 17. Tacoland 18. Laundromat Song 19. Swordfish (inc. Instant Club Hit Medley thing) - If I Had A Gun 1 - Tiny Town Hello, my name is Billy Bob and I don't give a damn I got myself some white sheets straight from the Ku Klux Klan I got myself a daughter and she's a Mongoloid Because I married my sister and our gene pool's been destroyed Let's do it! This is a tiny town And we don't want you comin' round (x2) We got ourself a sheriff and his name's Bobby Joe One day he said to me "Them punk rockers gotta go" So we hopped into his pickup truck with a gun rack on the back And we beat up on some punks and we beat up on some blacks Because This is a tiny town And we don't want you comin' round (x2) Play on magic finger! So if you should happen to come to our little town It might be wise if you didn't hang around 'Cause we hate blacks and we hate Jews And we hate punks but we love the F.U.s One more time! This is a tiny town And we don't want you comin' round (x2) 2 - I Walk The Thinnest Line Joe: Thankyou. Rod: (wails) I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the light and dark sides of my mind I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the good and bad sides of my mind Rod: Joe! When I'm bad I sit in a tree And spit on people who walk under me When I'm good I stay at home I've got 29 kids all named Jerome I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the light and dark sides of my mind I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the good and bad sides of my mind And when I'm sad I go to a club Drink enough beer to fill a bathtub When I'm glad I make a wish Find a wife who has read "My Little Fish" I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the light and dark sides of my mind I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line I walk the thinnest line Between the good and bad sides of my mind And when I'm bored I watch TV A million things I want to see To fill my mind on either side Dear TV I want to take you for my briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide I walk the thinnest line 3 - Smokin' Banana Peels Smokin' banana peels, nothin' is real Mites are living in your eyelashes The world is swimmin' with electric eels Talk serious to me, brother Smokin' banana peels, savin' the seals I was all pumped up about the iron Got to keep an even keel There are four me's living all together Smokin' banana peels in between meals You've got to take life serially, baby Let's all pray get down and kneel Smokin' banana peels sounds like this Steven Friend, I hate Steven Friend - the incestuous product of pigs Steven Friend, I hate Steven Friend Burn! Burn in hell! ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Burn! Burn in hell! ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Steven Friend, watch out for your pets when they're around Steven Friend Steven Friend - he likes farm animals - watch out for Steven Friend No! I hate Steve! ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya No! Never! Never! No! ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Smokin' banana peels, nothin' is real Mites are living in your eyelashes People are makin' important deals Dip your breasts in shimmering lip balm Smokin' banana peels, savin' the seals Living is easier with ice cubes Up and down between your heels How bad do you want to kick the ass of Steven Friend? Uh, so bad that I would... I would walk a mile We must kill him! Rod: ??? 4 - Surfin' Cow Find my baby Gonna find her now She looks like Patti Smith SURFIN' COW!!! Crowd: Surf's up dude! (x2) Find my baby Gonna find her now Gonna drag her home SURFIN' COW!!! Crowd: Surf's up dude! 5 - Bitchin' Camaro Isn't it great to see all these girls run up and kiss a 30 year old, fat, balding man? You know, when Frank Rizzo died, I thought I wasn't going to have anyone to make fun of anymore. But I didn't have to search far. Because now I like to make fun of Steven Friend. Or as we like to call him, Mr. Illiterate-Product- Of-An-Incestuous-Relationship. You know, one thing my dad taught me was: it ain't much of a man who picks a fight with pregnant women. And that's basically what they're doing with women trying to get into abortion clinics. Oh, big man! You blocked a pregnant woman! Woo! This is my idea - I will fight Steven Friend. The loser leaves the state of Pennsylvania. I think I can take the little weasel, too. Let some other state worry about him - ship him on out of here. When he flies on the plane away, they're gonna have to keep him down in the cargo with all the other pets, in one of those little doggy carriers. So, remember - Steven Friend and me. It's going to better than this Holyfield fight comin' up. Steven friend and me duking it out, on Pay-Per-View! I'm not even gonna let him just hit the canvas, I'm gonna keep him up for while and duke him around a little bit. Joe: I'd like to go see that You would. You should come see it, I'm thinking about holding it down at the shore. Joe: Oh really, at the shore? But how would I get down there? You can get a car. (It's snowing on me (?)) Joe: (laughs) Uh, what kind of car should I get? You should probably get one of them there bitchin' Camaros. Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! I ran over my neighbors Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! Now I'm in all the papers My folks bought me a bitchin' Camaro With no insurance to match So if I happen to run you down Please don't leave a scratch I ran over some old lady One night at the county fair And I didn't get arrested Because my dad's the mayor Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! Donuts on your lawn Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! Tony Orlando and Dawn When I drive past the kids They all spit and cuss Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro And they have to ride the bus So you'd better get out of my way When I come through your yard Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro And an Exxon credit card Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! Hey man where ya headed? Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro! I'm drunk on unleaded! 6 - Where The Tarantula Lives Whee-fuckin'-ha! Holland is ruled by midgets The Pope owns CBS The subway cars have been equipped with bars And they're cloning Rudolph Hess Samantha Fox has gone frigid The President's painted green Jesus Christ has been frozen in ice But he still makes the scene Everybody wants to know what gives But I know where the Tarantula lives Jim Bakker got eaten by wombats The Fever's spread to town Ol' Doris Day has been taken away Has anybody seen my downs? Popeye got killed in combat Donny and Marie went punk B.F. Skinner has eaten my dinner There's a body in that trunk Everybody wants to know what gives But I know where the Tarantula lives Steven Friend sucks! Uncle Bob caught fire The protesters are on strike Mr. Green Jeans is acting obscene 'Cause his Jello has been spiked Honesty is a liar The truth is in the sink Auntie Bess says "I must confess Now what do you all think?" Everybody wants to know what gives But I know where the Tarantula lives (x3) (I know where) Everybody wants to know what gives But I know where the Tarantula lives 7 - Nutrition Now my life is easy My life ain't hard I'm gonna spend all day In my fuckin' backyard I ain't got no money Hell, I don't care My parents let me use their credit card I've got nowhere to go Just movin' on my feet My folks say I've got no ambition At least I give a shit About the stuff I eat Yeah! I care about nutrition Tried to get a job At the retail store But I could not stand the competition Now I spend all my time Hangin' out at the shore Givin' myself a skin condition I've got nowhere to go Just livin' on the street People say I've got no ambition At least I give a shit About the stuff I eat Yeah! I care about nutrition Sometimes I get upset When I see on the TV All them people in this world That is starvin' But there's nothin' in this world That could possibly bother me When I smell the turkey that is carvin' Boy I'm starving Christ I'm starving! My folks said I'd better get myself a job 'Cause they ain't gonna support me Well, if all I am to them Is just some lazy slob Why didn't they abort me? I guess I'll just hang out On Broad and South Livin' by my intuition At least I give a shit What I put into my mouth Yeah! I care about nutrition Nutrition It's good for me Nutrition I've got vitamin C I care (x3) I give a healthy shit And she's buying a stairway to Heaven 8 - Big Lizard Big lizard in my backyard I can't afford to feed it anymore Big lizard in my backyard Bustin' down my neighbour's door I bought a big lizard Only a dollar fifty Well, that's pretty neat Yeah it's fuckin' nifty But I just can't afford to feed it And you should see the way it shits I've got a big lizard in my backyard I can't afford to feed him anymore Big lizard in my backyard Bustin' down my neighbour's door I got knocked outta bed Late last night I was woken up by the sound of dynamite I ran downstairs to find an army man He said "We gotta blow up those things we don't understand!" There's no more big lizard in my backyard I won't have to feed him anymore No more lizard in my backyard They shipped his ass to the Persian Gulf War! I got knocked out of bed Late last night I was woken up by the sound of dynamite I ran downstairs to find an army man He said "We gotta blow up those things we don't understand!" Big lizard in my backyard Can't afford to feed it anymore Big lizard in my backyard Bustin' down my neighbour's door Well, I bought a big lizard Only a dollar fifty Well, that's pretty neat Yeah it's fuckin' nifty But I just can't afford to feed it 9 - The Thing That Only Eats Hippies Rod: Oxygen, I need oxygen. Medic, I've been hit! Wendel brought it to life in his guest room bath tub It was a special project for his 4-H club But it broke loose out in the middle of the night And now it's eatin' flower children left and right All the punks are gonna scream yippee 'Cause it's the thing that only eats hippies First it cruised on out to Malibu And ate the Butthole Surfers Who where too tough to chew So it slithered it's way Out to old Irvine And ate a couple of hippies And they tasted just fine Now its got a sweet tooth for long hair So Bob and Greg and Grant you should beware Followin' the Dead is how it gets it's kicks Shame it wasn't born in 1966 Listens to the music and begins to sway Dreamin' acid dreams of a hippie souffle Hey hey hey What do they taste like - Some kind a' treat? How many hippies can this monster eat? It ate Stills and Nash before they could shout And then it chewed on David Crosby But it spit him out All the punks are gonna scream yippee 'Cause it's the thing that only eats hippies There it goes And I pray to God it kills Steven Friend So long motherfucker! 10 - I Hate You, I Love You What am I gonna do When I get next to you? Wanna hold you close to me But you bring me misery I hate you, but I love you (x2) Let's go to see a show Which one well I don't know Will you make up your mind Or are you gonna waste my time I hate you, but I love you (x4) Look back to the days we met Were things better I forget You acted different then I thought you were a friend I hate you, but I love you (x5) I hate you, I love you (x2) Yes, I do 11 - Lucky Little Billy drunk on beer Plops down behind the steering wheel His prom date pukes on her brand new dress He wonders who'll clean up the mess His car skids goes off the road Hits a tree and then explodes His death was quick painless they say Hope when I die I go that way But, You may not be so lucky (x4) Little Debbie drunk on wine Says she's havin' a very good time She thinks she's havin' the time of her life Prom date sharpens a big butcher knife Like a cheap horror movie on the silver screen The night is filled with deadly screams Would've been salesman's famous capers It even made the big city papers You may not be so lucky (x4) President laughs shaves his head Pushes the button and bombs the Reds Reds hit back with all they've got Now we're all in the melting pot Let's have a big cheer for the government Who's finally ended all dissent (???:our descent) Vaporized masses in the shopping mall Never got to see the H bomb fall Little Billy drunk on beer Plops down behind the steering wheel His prom date pukes on her brand new dress He wonders who'll clean up the mess His car skids goes off the road Hits a tree and then explodes His death was quick painless they say Hope when I die I go that way But, You may not be so lucky (x3) Never gonna be so lucky Little Debbie drunk on wine Says she's havin' a very good time She thinks she's havin' the time of her life Prom date sharpens a big butcher knife Like a cheap horror movie on the silver screen The night is filled with deadly screams Would've been salesman's famous capers It even made the big city papers And I've never had a lesson 12 - V.F.W. Mom and Dad don't like me They say I'm mean and crude They tried to make me a good little boy By sticking downers in my food Fucked up world We're all veterans of a fucked up world Fucked up world We're all members of a fucked up world My neighbours try to run me down Because I'm such a mess Maybe it's cause of the way I look Or maybe the way I dress Philosophers try to put me down Hey what's the meaning of life? Go kill a cop and drink till you drop Baby that's my advice In a... Fucked up world We're all veterans of a fucked up world Fucked up world We're all veterans of a fucked up world Girls don't really like me That's why I hate myself Maybe it's cause of the way I look Or maybe it's something else My room is such a pig sty My floor has never been swept But I've got a fuck off attitude And that's something that should be kept In a... Fucked up world We're all veterans of a fucked up world Fucked up world We're all members of a fucked up world 13 - Punk Rock Girl One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead I met a girl there And she almost knocked me dead Punk rock girl please look at me Punk rock girl what do you see? Let's travel round the world Just you and me punk rock girl I tapped her on the shoulder And said do you have a beau? She looked at me and smiled And said she did not know Punk rock girl give me a chance Punk rock girl let's go slamdance We'll dress like Minnie Pearl Just you and me punk rock girl We went to the Phillie Pizza Company And ordered some hot tea The waitress said "No! We only have it iced" So we jumped up on the table And shouted "anarchy" And someone played a Beach Boys song On the jukebox It was "California Dreamin'" So we started screamin' "On such a winter's day" She took me to her parents For a Sunday meal Her father took one look at me And he began to squeal Punk rock girl it makes no sense Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President Rich as the Duke of Earl Yeah you're for me punk rock girl We went to a shopping mall And laughed at all the shoppers And security guards trailed us To a record shop We asked for Mojo Nixon They said "He don't work here" We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon Then your store could use some fixin'" We got into a car Away we started rollin' I said "How much you pay for this?" She said "Nothing man, it's stolen" Punk rock girl you look so wild Punk rock girl let's have a child We'll name her Minnie Pearl Just you and me Eating fudge banana swirl Just you and me We'll travel round the world Just you and me punk rock girl 14 - Stuart You know what Stuart? I like you. You're not like the other people here in the trailer park. Ah, don't get me wrong, they're fine Americans, they're good human beings. But they're content to maybe kick back a cool Coors 16-ouncer, maybe watch some re-runs of Mork and Mindy on channel 57. They're good people, Stuart. Ah, but they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil. You know that Johnny Wurster kid - the kid who delivers newspapers in the neighborhood? He's a good kid. Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe a word of it. Anyway, for his 10th birthday, all he wanted was a burrow owl, just like his old man. He said "Dad, get me a burrow owl. I'll never ask for anything else again as long as I live". So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl. 10:30 last Thursday I go out into my yard and there's the Wurster kid looking up in the tree. I said, "What are you looking for?" He said, "I'm looking for my burrow owl." I said, "Jumping Jesus on a fuckin' pogo stick! Everybody knows the god-damned burrow owl lives in a motherfuckin' hole in the ground! Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl in the first place?!" Stuart, do you think a kid like that is gonna know what the queers are doing to the soil? I first became aware of this, that summer about 10 years ago, my oldest boy Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival that comes to town every year? That year they came through with a ride called the Mixer. The man said "Keep your head and arms inside the Mixer at all times." Ah, but Bill Jr., he was a daredevil, just like his old man. He was hanging out saying, "Hey, look at me. Look at me." Pow. He got decapitated. They found his head over by the snowcone concession. Three days later, in my mailbox, there's a letter inside from Pueblo, Colorado. And it turns out to be a pamphlet addressed to Bill Jr entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?" Now, Stuart! If you take a look at any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population - Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Take a look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. It ain't no god-damned good. You can't plant in it, sure as hell can't build on it. Government says it's due to poor farming. But I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens. They're building landing strips for gay Martians. I saw it on the X-Files. You know what Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other people, here in the trailer park. 15 - Right Wing Pigeons There's a town in Georgia's got a law on the books Says if we all got guns then we won't have crooks Now what could make them think that way? What could make them act that way? They're just right wing pigeons from outer space Sent here to destroy the human race They don't give a shit about you or me They just buy guns and watch TV Yeah! There's a lady in Detroit owns a can of mace She got pissed at my brother so she sprayed it in his face Now what could make her think that way? What could make her act that way? She's just a right wing pigeon from outer space Sent here to destroy the human race She don't give a shit about you or me She just buys guns and watches TV Some man in the White House whose name is Bill He probably screwed everybody on that Whitewater deal Now what could make him think that way? What could make him act that way? He's just a right wing pigeon from outer space Sent here to destroy the human race He don't give a shit about you or me He just buys guns and watches TV Go! 16 - Rastabilly Redneck time! My baby's got two hands My baby's got two feet My baby's got a forehead And all the chicken you can eat Well, shee-it. God diggety damn! My baby has a nose My baby's got two elbows My baby she's got ten toes And my baby's got a couple a' those Hell yeah, I'm marrying my sister. I can do what I want. I'm from West Virginie. Now fly! My baby drives a truck My baby sure is good luck My baby has a pet duck And my baby is a heck... Crowd: Of a fuck! Oh, use the F-word while my parents are here, thank you! Somebody stole my pit-bull Mavis and I plan to find out just who the fuck it was. 17 - Tacoland There's a place In San Anton Where I can go And not feel alone! Tacoland It's a panacea Tacoland They're always glad to see ya You'll understand When you go On Down to Tacoland When I feel My world is lost I go to Tacoland And I get really tossed! I wish my band would always play Tacoland, I want to stay You'll understand When you go On Down to Tacoland There's a girl with dirty hair Shakes her dress up in the air She tells a lot of jokes to tell She's got a lot to share Tacoland We ate a lot of figs They passed around a bottle And we took a lot of swigs It's nature's plan When you go On Down to Tacoland Tacoland Three quarters of a mile past the David Koresh exit in beautiful downtown Waco, Texas! Koresh is coming, will you swallow? x3 Koresh is coming! 18 - Laundromat Song Joe: So-so. Rod: So-so. Joe: So-so Chavez. Rod: He's got a new pimple on his butt. Soap and quarters and bleach and laundry Are words I use at the laundromat Reading the news, and watching the people That's what I do at the laundromat At the laundromat my heart grows fat Ah Ah As my clothes get dry I stop and sigh Ah Ah Dreaming -- Screaming There's a girl washing her clothes I'm in love but nobody knows She looks sixteen or seventeen My mind grows dirty when my clothes get clean She's so young and tall Ah Ah She looks just like John S. Hall Ah Ah Dreaming -- Screaming I'm not a subtle guy I'll go to her and sigh "If I don't see you again my love I'll most surely die." Dreaming -- Screaming Her clothes go round and round My heart goes up and down She's drying her jeans In separate machines She's loading up her granny cart Ah Ah Goin' out the door; it's breaking my heart Ah Ah Dreaming -- Screaming 19 - Swordfish (inc. Instant Club Hit Medley thing) Some people believe in astrology Others believe in technology Some people believe in all those "ologies" But I believe in swordfish He believes in swordfish I believe in gravity I believe in Joanie Loves Crotchie I even believe in Melrose Place And I believe in swordfish He believes in swordfish Oh, baby, look at you Don't you look like Siouxsie Sioux How long'd it take to get that way What a terrible waste of energy You wear black clothes say you're poetic The sad truth is you're just pathetic Get into the groove or just get out of my way I came here to drink not to get laid So why don't you just a' go on home 'Cause if you want to moan you'll have to moan alone You'll dance to anything (x2) Don't try to tell me that you're an intellectual Cause you're just another boring asexual "I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party" Blow it out your hairdo 'cause you work at Hardees 80 pounds of make up on your art school skin 80 points of I.Q. located within Now that we're home We can use our secret name for these people We call them ARTFAGS! Are you all familiar with the dance? Yeah. The famous 3 part dance? Yeah. The first part which is called the monkey and goes like this... When I say 1,2,3, everybody do the monkey. I want even those people who showed up early for the batdance to do the monkey, all right? 1,2,3, do the monkey! Yo, yo, yo, yo. The second part of the dance is called the junkie. And the junkie goes like this... Hence the reason for clean needles. Something that lazy piece of shit George Bush does not understand. Now, when I say 1,2,3, monkey, junkie - I want you to give me a little bit of the monkey, then a little bit of the junkie. Have you got it? 1,2,3, monkey junkie! Wait! The third part and final part of my dance - is called the honky. And the honky goes like this... Dear, I think our new neighbours might be ethnic! So when I say 1,2,3, monkey, junkie, honky. I want you to give me a little bit of the monkey, a wee bit of the junkie, then I want you to give me your best Dan Quayle impersonation, and say "Dear, I think our new neighbours might be ethnic!" Everybody down Everybody down Get your asses on the ground Sit down on the ground Down there on your tush Down there on your tush Like you're sittin' on George Bush Like you're squattin' on George Bush Get down there on your tail Get down there on your tail Like you're sittin' on Dan Quayle Like you're sittin' on Dan Quayle "I can spell potato, can you?" Is everybody down? - Get your asses down Is everybody down? We should stop fuckin' round 'Cause all the cool people are down 1,2,3, monkeyjunkiehonky Dear, I think our new neighbours are ethnic! Dear, I think our new neighbours are ethnic! Joe, cut loose! Do whatever you want! We maybe doing something wrong We could be running just a little too long I guess we better end this song I say I believe in swordfish Crowd: He believes in swordfish - If I Had A Gun (hidden track) Would I be amused Would I be impressed Knowing that I had the power To put a hole into your chest? When the kids are crying After the welfare check's been spent Would I rob a liquor store To get some money for the rent? If I had a gun Would I start smoking Marlboros? Would I stop smoking Kents? Would I gain some new respect? Would I gain some confidence? Would I suddenly go crazy And shoot my family? And see myself years later On some crime show on TV If I had a gun Would I wear it in my holster? Would I keep it concealed? Would I put it on the table Every time that I'm misdealed? When I hear a nearby gunshot When I'm up at night alone Would I feel a little safer Here in my urban home? If I had a gun